I've mentioned some absolutely awful posters here at FG in the past, and they're just so...so... LAME that I feel the need to mention them again. Oh, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, how I sincerely fucking hated thee. We were doomed from the start, I'm afraid, because of your "one lonely man and his chainsaw" approach to the poster art. But you couldn't stop there, could you? You just had to take it three or four steps further with your next attempt at the "OMG Leatherface is an idiot man-child who loves his chainsaw" motif. For reals, is he gonna hug that saw and squeeze it and call it George? Seriously, I should be running from him in fear, not patting him on the head.
In other "how to, for lack of a better term, emasculate (or maybe "de-scarify") (or maybe completely fuck up) movie psychos" news...umm...what the fuck is this?
That's gotta be the least scary image of a giant, gooey zombified dude with a machete and a crispy, burned up knife-glove wielding child molester ever. It looks more like a poster for the latest Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen "OMG one of them is a kooky free-spirit and the other is a studious, uptight nerd but they'll get into a wacky adventure and learn a bit about life...and each other! Co-starring Paul Giamatti as the stern authority figure who just doesn't get it" flick. You know, like when Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen were nine.
Moving on, let's talk about the '90s, shall we? Or, as the decade is more popularly known, "The Era In Which The Let's Put A Bunch Of Faces Staring Vapidly On A Horror Movie Poster Because That's So Intriguing And Scary Method Was Born". I don't know why that moniker never caught on. At any rate, I blame the success of this poster style on the Scream franchise, in particular Scream 2- the poster, instead of focusing on the absolute creepiness of Ghostface, focused on the fresh-faced stars of today- and tomorrow!
From there, the ball just kept on a rollin'. Damn you, Scream 2...damn you to HELL!
1) The scariest thing about that Scream 3 poster is whatever it is they've done to the faces of Courtney Cox-Arquette and Parker Posey.
2) Holy crap, you can so smell the '90s on that Urban Legend poster. It smells like Noxema! And Taradise.
3) It pains me deeply to include Final Destination 2 and House on Haunted Hill here, because I love those movies with at least 86% of my heart. Those posters, however, blow. Death before dishonor! Or something.
4) My favorite people here are featured on the I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer...Unless I Forget poster- the broad on the extreme left and the dude on the extreme right, especially her. Are they supposed to be scared? Worst scared faces EVAR.
5) Remember Joshua Jackson?
6) Okay, The Faculty, "Take me to your teacher" is a really, really bad tagline. But it reminds me of this Garfield button I had when I was a little kid; it was a picture of Garfield with a watermelon helmet and an orange wedge in his mouth, holding banana guns. He was saying "Take me to your leader or I'll atomize your face"- I wore it all the time; I thought that shit was soooo funny.
7) Remember how much Garfield loved lasagna and weekends? It sure was a lot!